Emotion vs. Music

Today for no visible reason was an extremely emotional day. One song that I love so dearly helped me out.

Here it is:

I'll Cover You (Reprise) - RENT

Live in my house,
I'll be your shelter
Just pay me back,
With one thousand kisses
Be my lover,
And I'll cover you

Open your door,
I'll be your tenant,
Don't got much baggage to lay at your feet
But sweet kisses I've got to spare
I'll be there,
And I'll cover you, oh

I think they meant it when they said you can't buy love
Now I know you can rent it, a new lease you are my love
On life, all my life

I've longed to discover something as true as this is, yeah

So with a thousand sweet kisses, (If you're cold and you're lonely)
I'll cover you
With a thousand sweet kisses, (You've got one nickel only)
I'll cover you
With a thousand sweet kisses, (When you're worn out and tired)
I'll cover you
With a thousand sweet kisses, (When your heart has expired)


Oh lover, I'll cover you (yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah)
Oh lover, (I'll cover you)
525,600 minutes, 525 seasons of love (I'll cover you, oh)

Mess

I feel meltingly yours, and I don't plan on changing that.

That is what I need you to read first. Before you read this.

These past few days have been hard for me. I have struggled with things I didn't even know existed inside me, as well as new things outside of me and my control.

Substance

The first one of these battles is not new, and is very personal for me. My battle with addiction. Since I was around 12 years old addictions have been part of my life. The first being Marijuana, next would be W.O.W. (yep low eh) and the third and immediate being Nicotine. Each of these "drugs" if you will are coping mechanisms I have used to damped the extreme emotions that constantly barrage my heart. I bring this up after drinking a lot last night and having a "hit" of someone's cigarette. This didn't exactly send me into relapse, but I certainly am reminded of the struggles I faced cutting the substance out of my life.

Emotion

I find myself facing these emotions I previously referenced sober for the first time since I started feeling them like this. I find these emotions so intense sometimes it hurts to feel for fucking characters in movies. I remember having a full blown panic attack after seeing someone cry in a movie because I felt them see someone die. Empathy. I can avoid movies when I get like this sure... I can't avoid real life, where emotions are more vivid and unescapable. The slightest tinge of flirtation is heartbreak, the look of death from the girl who stood me up at the bar, enough to make me cry in the washroom, someone not walking with me home because they wanted to be alone, skin crawling self hatingly painful. These are the things that scare me.

I took a life today. Not on purpose, but while enjoying my favourite activity. It was far to dark to be biking without a light (which I own but am stupid). I hit a raccoon while attempting to speed faster then ever. Not a great feeling.

Running Away

Do you ever find yourself running away from everything old to start a new life?
I have during this short life I have lived done this a few times. Left all my old friends behind to create new bonds, and forget choices I have made.

Today at my safe haven, hang-out, work place, and heart two connections to other sides and times in my life emerged. A friend of my Father's applied to work here as well as Rebecca Wiens my first crush and elementary school sweet-heart.

I have not seen Rebecca in seven years and now in a week if she is hired I might see her daily. Tis' odd.

I Swear - All 4 One

This is a cheesy love song that has significant memories to me.

I swear by the moon and the stars in the sky
and I swear like the shadow that's by your side

I see the questions in your eyes
I know what's weighing on your mind
You can be sure I know my part
Cause I stand beside you through the years
You'll only cry those happy tears
And though I make mistakes
I'll never break your heart

Chorus
And I swear by the moon
And the stars in the sky I'll be there
I swear like the shadow that's by your side I'll be there
For better or worse
Till death do us part
I'll love you with every beat of my heart
And I swear

I'll give you every thing I can
I'll build your dreams with these two hands
We'll hang some memories on the wall
And when (and when) just the two of us are there
You won't have to ask if I still care
Cause as the time turns the page
My love won't age at all

And I swear (I swear) by the moon
And the stars in the sky I'll be there (I'll be there)
I swear (and I swear) like the shadow that's by your side
I'll be there (I'll be there)

For better or worse
Till death do us part
I'll love you with every beat of my heart
And I swear

And I swear (I swear) by the moon
And the stars in the sky I'll be there (I'll be there)
I swear (and I swear) like the shadow that's by your side
I'll be there (I'll be there)

For better or worse (better or worse)
Till death do us part I'll love you
With every single beat of my heart
I swear I swear I swear

Poems I Hear As Music

Traveling Song:

I think I know what you be thinkin',

But then again maybe I don't.

I wait to hear my phone a ringin',

But I'm a waitin' in the cold.

I wanna see you but I'm leavin' for home,

I wanna say goodbye but I write you this poem instead.

Cuz...

I'm gunna miss you, wish I could kiss you, hug you and squish you,

All night long.

Lie in your bed, with my hands neath your head, holding you closely,

All night long.

I seem to be drivin' the opposite way,

If you hadda called I might have stayed,

My mind's a racin' but it isn't that clear,

I think I'll blame it that case of beer,

I'm drivin' east just as fast as I can,

Wishin' I could a been your man.

Cuz...

I'm gunna miss you, wish I could kiss you, hug you and squish you,

All night long.

Lie in your bed, with my hands neath your head, holding you closely,

All night long.

Hungover:

I woke up this morning with a headache,

drinking away last night's conversations,

I think I might have told you I loved you,

But damned if I could remember what we said.

All these things, just fragments of, our lives together.

All my words, just tokens of, my affections forever.

It's quarter to nine in the morning,

On a Sunday that isn't forgiving,

I drink three cups full of coffee only to,

Enter the world of the living.

Showers on, wakes me up, jump into action.

Pull pants on, get dressed quick, ready for anything.

Honky-Tonk Missin' You:

I'll miss you in Denver,

I'll miss you in Maine,

I'll miss you in the airport when you're boarding that plane.

The Service I

Have you ever been sitting in a restaurant and seen something done by one of the staff that just kills you on the inside? Maybe you bit your lip, or started to defend a customer.
I spend most of my time at a lovely Cafe in which I work, and spend leisure time. At this cafe in question I see some of the best service in Winnipeg, but some of the worst.

This behavior pushes my buttons and gives me a feeling comparable to being sick to my stomach. I don't usually get such a strong reaction based on others behavior, but the mix of caring about the customers, and caring about the establishment itself just evokes hell.

I can't remember when this started but I have a few vivid ideas of what it has and will continue to entail. Imagine now with me walking into a Cafe when its 28 Celsius outside, its so humid breathing feels more like blowing up a hot-water-bottle with your lungs, and you have been walking for a few Kilometers. Now after that grotesque image continue to find the building slightly cooler then outside. Alright your feeling a little more positive about life right? Now as you enter and take a large clear breath and begin to look for service behind the counter. There isn't any... But you need a glass of water. Your eyes are burning with the sweat off your brow, and your heart is getting sick of pumping blood to all parts of your body.

As you continue to look around you notice a young pinch-faced lady sitting at the table wearing an apron. As you look at her closely she looks up from a book she is nose deep in. She looks you up and down and rolls her eyes at you. You can practically hear her think "Oh got another Fucking customer for my poor self to deal with". She gets up and walks over to the till. As you begin to recite the order you have had minutes to plan she slumps against the counter and starts doodling on note paper beside the display of Rice-Krispie squares. When you finish your uncomplicated order she spits it back to you as if she might care if it is punched in right. As she gets to the part about lots of ice in the water she again rolls her eyes and says "That will be 1.97" then bitterly adds "Anything else" you now overly warm, and proturbed try your best to be nice and say simply "Thats it thanks". You pay her with a 2 dollar coin and wave off the extra weight some people call Pennies. Your order is prepared in seconds (don't get me wrong the server knows how to make a drink) and as the drink and glass of water hit the counter infront of you before you get a chance to look at books she spits "Enjoy" in a highpitched monotone only compairable to a cartoon devil child from something like the Southpark.

I see this from my own Co-workers on an almost daily basis. If I was to own the Cafe the staff wouldn't be around for more then one fucking shift. Alas I do not own the store, or have enough power to fire someone. Best part this staff member is the Boss' favorite because of her art skills.